Eight months of motherhood & pangs of jealousy | Tara’s Journal | TicTalkToe

Tara is eight months old today. I had written my last blog post exactly six months back, when Tara was a two month old cookie. I would find time more often then, since Tara would mostly be feeding or sleeping. These days, sometimes I fail to recall what day of the week it is! Thankfully, my office allows me the liberty of working from home. However, much against my inner conscience’s approval, we started our search for a caregiver for Tara, more popularly referred to as “ayah/mashi”, right before I resumed working for office. It was an eight hour shift for her caregiver, and a twenty-four hour period of apprehension for me. Unlike most mothers, I was not very happy to have help at hand! One reason being, I was not used to help or caregivers around me for a pretty long time. Second reason being, a person who was not from my family would be taking care of my baby, specially during these unprecedented times. The mother in me was not ready to let her see smiling in someone else’s arms. However, with heavy reluctance, we settled for someone who would be taking care of Tara.

Tara being her usual chirpy self, would greet her every morning with her toothless grin when she reported to work. Sometimes, I would think to myself “Lucky her, she gets to hold Tara in her arms everyday, spend quality time with her and even get paid for it!” And every time she did so, the mother in me would silently weep. What if Tara starts calling her “Maa” someday? “A child always knows the difference between a caregiver and her mother“, my family would counsel me. I even spoke to my friends who had also appointed caregivers for their babies. Did they also feel the same? Did they also have pangs of jealousy? Did their baby address their caregiver as “Maa“? I would do a silent dance the day Tara’s caregiver would call up to inform that she would be taking her day off. It meant, no more having someone breathe down my neck and unlimited time with Tara. But with time, I realised that all working women with a little help from their families need to depend on caregivers for their infants/toddlers. Slowly, and reluctantly, I started letting go the knit-picker in me. I started accepting the fact that Tara would also be safe in someone else’s arms. Soon after, her first caregiver stopped reporting to duty because of the third wave of Covid-19. We started our hunt for a new caregiver in a few weeks. We got one. Today is her first day. Surprisingly, the jealousy pangs have died down. I am glad to see Tara smiling in someone else’s arms as I sit back and sip on my chai. 

This is a little post to vent out my feelings. Not sure if other new mommies also feel the same. Not sure if someone out there could relate to what I penned down. However, I feel a lot lighter now. Also I wanted to get back to writing for my blog, hence what better than something which spoke my mind. These days I feel lost about what I should write next – Tara’s travel experiences or her journey into weaning and feeding? Do let me know in the comments below. Till then, take care.